The start of my poly journey — 1

It was all a sort of an unrelated chain of events. At least from the outside. And it was really not planned. When I finished my relationship with my ex boyfriend 3 years ago, for some random reason, I said “I’m so done with monogamy”. But I don’t know why. There was no cheating, as far as I’m aware. But we did ended it in very bad terms. Anyways, it took me quite some time to start meeting people again. I mean, I had even bought a house with the guy. It was no joke.

When I finally downloaded a dating app, I met a few guys and was “delighted” of the dating scene again. I went to this date with this guy that chose a very expensive place and didn’t let me pay my half (“It looks bad” he said) and then when I told him I couldn’t meet him again the day that he wanted he sent me a fucking money request to pay half of the dinner. I payed him back and forgot about it but of course I was not very excited. I mean, again seeing how men treat women as objects or think because they payed for a fucking dinner we owe them something. They should just fuck off.

Again, the world reminding me how hard it can be to be a woman.

Then I had a couple of experiences I really don’t want to get into but were not necessarily better. Except from great sex. And eventually I decided to pull of. Try to re-build my virginity. I went into this no meeting people phase for quite a long time.

Honestly, it didn’t help much because I didn’t do much progress. Covid, a job I didn’t like, 10 thousand hours of yoga to try to calm my anxiety. Ultimately, I survived.

I moved from London to Berlin and life started to get better. Nice friends, a nicer job, in love with the city. The only thing still missing is falling in love with myself.

But going back into the poly idea, one day my best friend told me “I realised I’m dating my friends, I’m just not fucking them”. And after doing some thinking I realised, well, if he is dating his friends, I’m dating my friends too 🙃 and also not fucking any.

It’s funny but kind of true. I mean, what makes dating “dating”? Why do we need to get all or most of our needs fulfilled from one romantic monogamic relationship?

This made me think a lot. I love my friends and have the nicest relationships. Then I realised too that I had been complaining with myself and being so hard on myself for not being able to build a healthy relationship, while, all this time, I had it in front of my eyes but did not see it.

That’s how human I am.

(To be continued)